I’m so lost. I’m lost among the anxiety filled in the walls of my mind. It’s traveled up the walls, finding every crack, no matter how small. It’s moved down, traveled through my veins. It’s reached my heart, and moved down to my stomach.
I look up and all that I see is a great mountain. You’ve created mountains, but this is no mountain of yours. This mountain was created in me. It was created to stop me from reaching out to you. This mountain was created to break me. To bring me lower than before. To separate me from others. This mountain is not moving, and you said to have faith even the size of a mustard seed, and it would move and drop in the ocean. But don’t ask me where that faith has gone, because I’ve miss placed it.
I miss placed faith, leaving you behind. I know you’re there. I know you always are. But I’ve ignored you. I’ve ignored the greatest thing you’ve given me: your love.
You’ve given me more than your love. You’ve given me talents. You’ve given these gifts to me, and I never sent a “Thank You” card. I’ve taken them and miss used them. I’ve taken them for granted. I haven’t included you in them. I’ve ignored you.
You pull for my attention. You call to me. I run further still.
Finally, I hear you. Finally, I remember who gave me these gifts. When all the air is gone. When my face is hot with streams rolling down it. When I can’t hold on to anything. When I’ve lost, because that is who I am. A mere human. Fully human. You are not. You pick me up. You lead me. You comfort me. You move that mountain. Every mountain. You move anything that blocks you from my view. You make me new. You are God. You are fully God. You are the One. You are King. You are Savior. You are forever.
When I can no longer breath, I look to you. When I take my last breath, I will see you. When I see you, I will feel your arms wrap around me, like they have so many times in this life already, and I will wrap my arms around you. You are here. You are now. You are forever.
I need you now. I need you tomorrow. I need you always.