You were a familiar song. A song I had memorized on the piano. Every moment together I learned more of the song. Every new note played at just the right time continuing the melody. A sweet but powerful melody. Although I miss a note here and there, I still continue to learn and get better. It can never be perfect. I may get too nervous and be off a key once or twice, but the song goes on.
I’ve memorized you. Every moment the melody goes up the scale, every moment it goes down. Every pause, and rest. We move forward. Nothing stops the song from going on. The pages continue to hold the notes, and it fills me from head to toe. Even in my mind there’s nothing to stop it. Every time I miss a note, or I’m off key, I hear it correctly in my mind. The song just as sweet. Just as powerful. It moves me, and I help it move right along.
All too soon, just as quickly as the song started, it ends. The song started out slow but ended too soon. It felt as if I could play on forever. No matter how many rests, no matter how many wrong notes, I thought it would carry on forever. But I was wrong. The pages came to an end, and it was over. The pages were lost, and so was I. Even though the song was memorized, time takes its place and gets lost among the rest of the memories.
Day after day I try to replay the song without the pages. Day after day I wait for it to come back to me. Day after day I wonder if it ever will, and I feel more lost than I ever did. I try to play what I still remember, but it’s gone. There’s no use trying to learn a song that refuses to come back.
When I’ve found the pages I try to relearn it. Hoping for the day it all comes back. I curve my fingers, play the notes that were once familiar, but sadly they’re not anymore. I’m different and so are the pages. The melody is different, but I’m playing the same song. But it’s too different. It’s not the same.
I begin to learn a new song. I begin to memorize it. I don’t put in the time, but it’s something different and new. When I don’t play with the pages I keep playing the wrong notes. I can’t quite get it. Learning you was so much simpler. But I know what it’s like now. It’s different, and more difficult. I keep playing, hoping to truly have it memorized one day. Every note. Every rest.
I begin to let the melody fill me in a new way. Why not let the new song fill me differently? If I allow it to fill me the same way the old did, it won’t be a new song. The old will ruin it. I can’t let the new song try to fill the pages of the old. The song is incandescently different from the old. There’s no comparison. But now I’ve memorized the new and I’m not trying to remember you. Now you’re just a memory that I can learn from. To help me learn to continue learning and memorizing the new.